Who am I really?

Right now I am sitting here in front of a massive book on the history of art. I know I am supposed to be writing an essay right now, and all I am doing is thinking about myself. Evaluating my life, my intentions, my existence... you know, all that deep shit. It just occurred to me that maybe I should write some of this down, you know so I don't forget it when these moments of brilliance hit me.

Sanity - the state of being sane; soundness of mind

I was just thinking about this word and what it means to me and what it means to the people around me. I know that I am what I am, but I also know that I become who I am around. I fear the loss of myself in this sea of self destruction around me. I care deeply for each person in my path.. but where does that put me when my path is crossed constantly by so much chaos that I can no longer see that path that I am on?
Where do I get my sanity from? I never thought to analyze these things... Do you know where yours comes from? There are so many things every single day that I could go crazy over.. my car broke again, zim has to go to the vet, dogs broke the TV, I have to write 2 essays, I got in a fight, I'm feeling lost... So what is that? Crazy 7 (essays count for 2 points) sane 0.... I mean C'mon, what in the hell is it that actually keeping me out of the looney bin? I don't know... I'm not there though.
I want to know how it is that other people keep their sanity. Obviously, how I keep my own sanity mystifies me. I have looked at someone and said "I don't know how they have not gone off the deep end." Do I know that? Who are you? Are you really ok? I don't think that people are as put together as we would like everyone else to think that we are. When I decided to go to school in January I met a couple people that had been in a very similar situation as me as far as employment is concerned. I wonder how they kept their sanity, I know that one of the girls even had kids.. How in the fuck do you deal with that shit?!?! I see things and I always have a mini panic for other people and I have to wonder how do they keep their sanity? I understand that people deal with things differently.. which brings me to my next point.

Addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I know your out there. Don't you love the anonymity of the internet. As I said in the beginning I am who I am, but you become who you are around. Don't get me wrong, I will never loose my sense of self and my identity. What I am saying is that You pick up the habits of the people you are with most. Ever notice how very hard it is to quit smoking when your partner still smokes? I live with an addict, therefore I am exhibiting behaviors of an addict. Why? I don't know, why is this person an addict? One day all these things happened, so many bad things that my heart actually broke in my very chest. I looked at this person and I was convinced and amazed that person was ready to hit the ground running. So person hit the ground running, and person did some pretty amazing things.. but person also has serious issues. I can't keep my sanity helping you drown your sorrows. Tell me out there, I only ask because I don't know.. how does this help your sanity? I am seeing person's breakdown happen and I don't want to be there for it... does that sound selfish? Yea? What do I do about that? You know, addiction runs rampant in my family, on both sides, my parents have brothers and sisters that have or had problems with addictions.. we have cousins, nieces and nephews.. and so on. I know that not all of them are/were looking for sanity at the bottom of a bottle of vodka, or wherever else. I'm sure that there are some though. Fact is that I avoid them.. like the plague actually. For a good reason... People of the internet, if you even knew what it is like to the subject of the Davis family rumor circle you would do your all to avoid it. On top of it all I know my mom would do an intervention and then it would just go from there.. there is no point in even trying to be an addict in my life. So again, why am I allowing an influence like this? Maybe I believe it is a hope that my participation and comradery will help person find sanity? Maybe persons insanity, which I can tell you has had a profound effect on me, has made me feel the need to search for my sanity with person.. I know that I still have it. I know that I haven't lost it, because when it just me I can feel it. I can relax and enjoy the calm of my home and the calm.. well, inside my head.
You know... this sanity stuff is much more serious than you could ever know. I have been crazy before. I actually lost my God Damn Mind... When you hit that point in your life, there is nothing that you can do but try and make sense of it all and hold on for your life.. Mike held on for my life when I lost my mind and I am so thankful that he did, because I almost didn't make it through.. My sanity now is more precious than the very air that I breathe I will not allow my path that I am walking to be swept away by the storms of self destruction and chaos. I will not be dragged down or stopped from moving on because it was not just myself that fought for my sanity, it was not just me. Do not BRING ME DOWN. Because he held on for my life too. Who is holding on for yours?

Oh the things you will see.

I have been doing some serious surfing on the web for the last couple days via Stumble... and I am shocked at how much stupid shit is out there!
I just wasted 20 minutes of my life reading some random blog... Turns out the whole thing was about her boyfriend from when she was 12 and how they used to write notes back and forth and one day they like totally made out. When I finished reading it I was like what in the hell did I just read? I'm sure that I'm not the most interesting person... but c'mon! That's not all.. I have come across the crap of crap.. the funny/sad thing is I usually take the time to read it all. Sometimes they will turn out to be funny or very interesting.. Sometimes it is really obvious that whoever wrote the blog is tremendously smarter than me and I just have to move on.
When I think about blogs I associate it with current events or at least events that happened pretty recently. I suppose I could bring myself to reminisce and what not and so on. I did have a good childhood and I am nearly 26 now. Hmmm... what to write about though? That is always the question? Maybe next week I will write about my boyfriend from when I was 12? OH HAHHH I almost had ya! No, I think that maybe I will try to find something that has more substance than "we like totally made out".
So that is what is on my mind right now. Just thought you should know.

I would Like to request a parade of elephants

As all of you know the death of Michael Jackson has effected the world in a way that none of us could have predicted. Who could have known that so many people who call him a pedophile freak one day and the next be professing their undying love for the "King of Pop".

I can't say that I am really bothered at all. Sure, who doesn't enjoy some of his greatest hits? But really? I don't really care.

What I do care about is that just hours before his memorial service there was a parade of elephants. C'MON people a PARADE OF FREAKIN ELEPHANTS! Now, I know that the elephants were actually part of a long held tradition by the Ringling Bros... but don't you think that it is a bit peculiar that it so happened to fall on the same day as his memorial? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!

So now I have come to the conclusion that if Michael can have it I think that it is only fair that I can as well.


While we are on the subject of my memorial service I would also like to request a couple other things along with my elephants. I would like some lambs, but they need be all washed and so they are all white and clean and they need to have big bows around their necks. Also I would like Cirque du Soleil to HAPPEN to have a parade that HAPPENS to follow my casket and it HAPPENS to end at my grave site. That would be freakin AWESOME!

I would, however, like to request that no one wear white gloves to my funeral.

Thank you, that is all.

Yesterday I saw the weirdest thing.

Everyday I walk to Wholefoods for lunch, and sometimes I will stay there and eat, but most of the time I will walk back to the office and eat there. Well I am walking back and I cut across this small patch of grass and this fat mouse goes running right across my path. So now I'm all concerned because I am right next to a road and I know that no one will brake for a mouse!! Now if you had seen me at this point you would have thought that I was straight up off my rocker. Here I am attempting to steer this mouse towards the field on the other side of Bed Bath and Beyond and away from the road.. of course.. no one could see the mouse.

I'm Sure that you can imagine my dismay and panic.. when the first thing the mouse does (rather than run to the field) is run into the street. Yes I know.. laugh now get it over with.. I will step into traffic to keep a mouse from getting smooshed. Ok so that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean I did follow it into the street to make sure that it didn't get hit by a car, but it wasn't a really busy road. So it makes it safely to the other side but it is still running like a maniac and I can't figure out why because I wasn't anywhere near it anymore. And then I see why.. The mouse is being chased by a bird. OOOOO scaaarry!! No it's being chased by a sparrow, the nuts thing about this is that this bird is the same, if not smaller, size as the mouse!! What in the hell is this bird going to do with the mouse if he "catches" it?? Eat it? Feed it to his young?? I shit you not I watched this sparrow dive bomb and attempt to pick up the mouse all the way down the sidewalk. I am still amazed!!

It's funny that while I am writing this it has me thinking about things in my own life. How many times have I let things that are smaller or less than me, things that I know that I can easily overcome, send me running into traffic? Sometimes I feel like there are things in my life that are coming to feed me to their young and rather than letting people guide me to a field I just panic and get stuck between a brick wall and a very angry sparrow!!

I really am that funny.

I'll tell you something right now, and I know that there may be some people out there that may not want to hear this... But I am..

The funniest person I have ever known and possibly will ever know.

I have been known to make anyone from George Clooney to Jebus Christ himself crack up.

I know that it may be discouraging to all of you funny makers out there, but sometimes you just have to know when you've been out funnied. Granted, I am not funny all of the time. But 99.9% of the time, yes I really am that funny.


I just thought this was something that the public needed to know.


Thank you, that is all.

Ode to the Pork Plague

Due to the fact that Andrew gets sick on a regular basis I like to tease him saying that he has the swine flu. One day when he was out sick AGAIN I decided that I would write him a poem. So here you are.

Ode to the Pork Plague.

Oh how he got it, we never knew.

We thought it may be just the flu.

Till the day a curly tail he grew.

My brother got the Pork Plague.

He hacked, he coughed, he nearly died.

We begged, we prayed, we wept, we cried.

When people asked why we simply replied

My brother got the Pork Plague.

Even though he got better he was never the same.

Having hooves and snout nearly drove him insane.

Loving him was easy.. seeing him as breakfast, was hard to refrain..

BECAUSE MY BROTHER GOT THE PORK PLAGUE!

You have got to be kidding me!?

WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS IT STILL SNOWING?!?!?!?!?!
I am so sick of this stupid state and its weather...

Southern Utah here we come?

For the last three weeks my brothers and I have been trying to get down to southern Utah for a weekend camping trip. I am so so so tired of the snow. It seems like it has been Winter for waaaay too long. I am so ready for sunny days and warm weather!



I think that we may be able to finally go in a couple of weeks. I still haven't decided for sure where we are gonna go to camp. I think that we are going to go to Moab. I mean c'mon look at how beautiful that is! I'm hoping that we can find some good places to do some rock climbing. As I have never had the chance to experience Moab I am not really sure where the good spots are. It looks like it is going to be Andrew, Becca, Zach Mike and myself.. Who knows possibly more. So as I said before it is really going to come down to the weather. We will see if it happens...

Friday the 13th!

It's Friday the 13th today, in fact it is the second of three this year. From what I understand this happens only once every 11 years. I have never really had any issues with this particular day, so I generally forget about it. This morning I had a fun little adventure on my way to work. I was driving to work on 2-15 minding my own business when all of the sudden my car starts slowing down, by a lot. I then realized that I forgot to put gas in my car last night and I was quickly running out of what was left. So I start getting over hoping that I can make it to the 3300 south exit (which by the way is less than a 1/2 a mile away) I'm sure as you can guess I did not make it. Thankfully I pulled over when I did because my car promptly died as soon as I put my foot on the brake. If I had gone even two feet more I would have stalled in the lane because there was no room to pull over... That would have been BAD! I called Mike to let him know that I needed him to come help me and he let me know that he was on his way.. Oh I forgot to mention that my cars registration is expired. Now all I have to do is wait and hope that a cop doesn't see me parked on the side of the road. I did see one cop and I thought for sure he was going to stop but he didn't. He actually pulled someone over a little further up the road.

Finally Mike gets there with some gas, he is nearly done putting the gas in when.. yea you know what happens.. a cop pulls up. I just know that I'm in deep shit. I was aware that my car was illegal and that I was driving it illegally, so I was prepared for the consequences. I got in my car grabbed my insurance, my licence and my expired registration and waited while he ran my plates. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards us and I flinched as he started to speak.. "Did you run out of gas?" me "yes sir" him "is everything ok?" me "yes sir" him " alright, well if you need any help go ahead and call." me " Um.. Thank you?"

He gets back in his car and drives away. I'm sure you can imagine me standing on the side of the road with paper in both of my hands and my mouth hanging open in shock and disbelief. I was sure that this was going to turn into a scene from Super Troopers and he was just messing with me. I was waiting for it, but it never happened.

Anyway, I make it to the gas station to fill the tank and try to get to work as fast as possible. I got to work nearly an hour late. But I was really happy to be off the road! If you really think about it I was actually pretty lucky. I was lucky that it was not Thursday because Mike would have been in class and unable to help me. If it had been Thursday My boss would have been in the office, but he was gone today. It was lucky that I pulled over when I did, so I wasn't still in a lane. It was lucky that I got paid today so we had the money to put gas in my car. Most of all it was almost weird how lucky it was that the cop didn't give me a ticket. I know that none of this really has anything to do with Friday the 13th. What it really has to do with is that I am a dumb ass for not filling my tank when I knew good and well that it was empty.. Well there you go.. my Friday the 13th.

Here are five of my favorite Friday-the-13th facts:

1. Fear of Friday the 13th — one of the most popular myths in science. It is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

2. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor and some airline terminals omit Gate 13.

3. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and President Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

4. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. "It was bad luck," Twain later told the friend. "They only had food for 12." Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

5. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number — 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

LEGEND HAS IT: If 13 people sit down to dinner together, one will die within the year. The Turks so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary (Brewer, 1894). Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor. If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck (Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names). There are 13 witches in a coven.

SPRING IS COMING!!!!!

I am so excited about spring/summer for the hiking season. I can't wait to get in those mountains and start climbing all of the rocks and hiking all of the trails. Utah really is one of the most beautiful states that I have ever seen. I can't really imagine myself away from the mountains. This year I intend on the hiking the trail to Gobblers Knob several times. You want a view? That is where you need to be!! The summit is 10,242 feet and you can see the entire Salt Lake valley when you look to the West and to the East you can see all of Park City, Heber and Jordanelle. It was hard to leave I could have stayed up there forever! This picture (-->) is on the way up to the summit, and the one below is at the summit.

This year will be especially fun. I finally quit smoking so I'm thinking it won't be as difficult for me to get tho the top. And this year Mike intends on joining Zach and I on our adventures. Maybe we can convince Andrew to get off his butt and come with us. I don't really know a lot of trails, so I will have to buy a hiking guide. Or if anyone has any suggestions I would gladly accept some ideas. I do know that in late August we are heading to the Uintas for a two day hike to Lake Amethyst. That one will rock as well. Either way Spring is inevitable and Sumner will shortly follow. I am so excited that I can hardly sit still while am waiting. I'm itchin for some mountain air.

Sales?!

What in God's name was I thinking going into sales? Was I on CRACK?

So I started at AppleOne last year in March as the office coordinator.. I really should have stayed in that position, so now I am a staffing consultant. With the economy the way that it is no one is looking for people. In fact they are letting people go, I'm sure that there is a good portion of you out there that know that first hand. Every day I sit here making calls.. so many calls, to all of these companies to see if they need any people. Most of them I have to leave a message and they never call back. They don't want to talk to a sales person! When I get a hold of them I get a mixed response... "No, we don't need any one and take us off your call list!" click.. sometimes I get a "actually we just filled a position so we are fully staffed.. thanks though." click. I would say that 1% of the calls that I make generate some kind of interest. That can be very exciting.. but then I still have to go through corporate and get workman's comp and credit approved. I have now had 2 potential clients get denied.. then they get pissed and then decide that they want nothing to do with me. woo...

I have been in this position for two months now and I feel like I have made little or no progress. You see, in order for me to move up I had to find a replacement for my position. So when we found the right person I began my training in N.E.S.T (new employee success training) while I trained my replacement to do my previous position. The whole situation was very stressful to me. I couldn't really turn to the other girls in the office for help, because the area manager asked that I just go to the branch manager. Which I understand, they have enough to do without having to train me too. So I would go to the branch manager with my questions and he would just refer me back to the manual. I read that God Damn Manual from cover to cover two times and you know just because you read the manual doesn't mean that you necessarily understand all of it. So I was training the new girl to do my old position and I was basically training myself to do my new position too!

So you can imagine that I was feeling stressed about the whole situation. Yesterday was test day... all I have to say it is a good thing that it was open book. I felt really stupid, there were a lot of things in there that I did not know. It took me most of the work day for me to do the test. I mean I had candidates that I interviewed and phone calls that I dealt with as well, so it didn't really take ALL day.... just a good portion of it. :(

I get my test graded on Monday and if I fail I will have to take it again. But if I pass I will be eligible to receive commission and be on rotation to take new clients that call in. Who knows...

I think the main thing that really freaks me out is that in sales it's all about numbers. I can call every company in this entire state and work my ass off.. But if I am not getting orders I loose my job. They don't care that you try, they care that you are generating profit. I can't loose my job.. I CAN'T! I can just imagine it now.. Sitting in the cold with my shopping cart filled with garbage. Begging for money. Some guy in a suit yells "Get a job you freak!" Every penny that I make begging goes to a strong bottle of liquor to keep me warm.

I have decided to put my resume out in the world, but I will be very careful to be sure that I don't leave this job for another just to get laid off. I think with the economy the way that it is right now it is likely that I will end up a bag lady either way!

Another day, Another dollar.

My last day at UTA was on the 18th of July... It was a wondrous day filled with relief and sadness at the same time. I have found a new job now, and I really think that I have found my niche. I am an administrative assistant for a company called Upper Limit Aviation.

What is so neat about this job is that I am getting to experience a lot of things that I never thought I would. What is it? Well Upper Limit Aviation is a helicopter flight training school. People come from all around the school to spend lots and lots of money and learn to fly helicopters. I have never really understood why people from anywhere other than Utah would want to come here for school... Utah kinda sucks..

I guess the reason why is that the weather here is always changing and the altitude and terrain are excellent things for pilots to put on a resume per say. Also because of where the school is located it is in what you call class b air space. Essentially what that means is that this area is a high traffic area. It can be very stressful on someone that has never flown through it before.

Anyway though I like it a lot so far the people I work with are really nice... Hopefully it stays that way. I did take a pay cut coming here from UTA, however I think that it is worth it. I love being able to wear what I want, and get a full nights rest. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of things that I loved at UTA but this just fits my needs better.

I don't know how it is that I happen to stumble upon these neat jobs, and if this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life... Well I guess I will have one hell of a resume!

I'm acting my age!

So this is how it started Mike has to be to work at 10:00 in the morning he sets his alarm for 9:15 and I usually set a backup alarm on my phone for 9:25. This particular morning Mike was very tired so he turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. I'm one of those people that when my alarm goes off I'm up, I don't press snooze, I don't lay back down, nothin I'm just UP. I was getting upset because he wouldn't get back up and he was gonna be late to work.

So we get into an argument about how just because my job at UTA is SUPER strict on tardies (as in 3 tardies of more than one minute and your fired) doesn't mean that his job is that way. Its ok for him to be late every once and a while, they don't care. Finally I get so frustrated because now the argument is just going in circles and meanwhile he is getting later and later to work. I just get fed up and tell him that "he is 24 and its about God damn time that he starts acting like and adult!" To which he replies "how about you start acting like your 23 and not 40 and relax a bit."

That was how the argument ended. He turned around and walked out the door. I was really pissed off for a while. Where did he get off telling me that I don't act my age? Then I started thinking about it, all I really do is work and go home. I go see my friends every once and a while but its mostly sitting around having pleasant conversation. I don't go to parties, I go to bed at like 9 or 10 at night, a fun evening for me is when I get to stay up late enough to see my favorite shows on tv....... OH MY GOD.... I AM 40!!!!!!

Sadie and I had made plans for her to come over that day, so while I was still pondering the fact that somehow I has skipped years 24-39, she showed up. Soon enough we were talking about other things and I had completely forgotten about my fight with Mike. Then she starts to tell me that she is getting a car. That her sister had gotten a new one, and she was taking the old one. Her family lives in North Carolina so she was gonna fly out and drive back. She told me that originally she bought a ticket for her cousin before she realized that her cousin does not have a
drivers license. So instantly in my mind I get this flash of Mike saying to act my age. I told her that I would go with her if she wanted so she wouldn't have to drive back the whole way.

The ticket is in my name I'm flying out to good 'ole NC on the 8th of Aug, staying a couple days, then driving back to Utah. I'm going on a vacation! A road trip! An opportunity TO ACT MY AGE! I'm Really excited in case you can't tell!

Last day at UTA

Well thats it, today was officially my last day as a bus operator for the Utah Transit Authority. I am relieved and sad at the same time. I have never had a job that I liked all of my supervisors so much, so I really wanted to do something nice for them. I wasn't sure what to do and it was really getting down to the wire. I finally decided on a neat little bag filled with candy and a personal note to all of them. I bought all of the stuff this morning and started to get it all ready. Then from there things started getting difficult. I got my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and normally by now they shouldn't be so bothersome. Lucky me though, I happened to get "dry sockets". So I was in horrible pain all night and didn't sleep, then I took some pain killers to help me out. Well they finally kick in while I'm trying to put 30 bags together, and I am so loopy that I can barely think straight. So finally I call my brother to come and help cause I'm gonna need him to drive me around anyway. Zach comes over and saves my ass, by helping me put all these bags together and then helps me load them into the car. He first took me to the garage downtown where I give the bags to some of my favorite guys, and I started to get all sad.. :(
Then he takes me to the garage on 33rd, where I give them to all of the supervisors there. Now there are 27 supervisors, that are all your supervisors, per say, but only one that is your assigned supervisor. Mine was a man named Rob McNair, he is a great guy, very calm and kind. Just the kind I need, if you know me, you know I'm already wound up as it is. I gave him his and then he told me where to go to put the rest in everyones mail boxes. When I came back around the corner he had just finished reading his note, and he said it was making him all teary eyed. Well that was the end of me... I am an emotional person as it is, put me on Loratab, and I am a wreck! So then I start feeling really upset so I start crying and I'm really trying not to. So finally I get myself under control and get ready to go. It was really neat cause they were all saying not to be a stranger, and that I just need to call and they would let me come in to hang out. I was told that I had to send a wedding invitation to them, and that it was required! So even though I am sad to leave a family that I love and that I know loves me. I'm happy to be able to rest and look forward to a regular sleep schedule! Who knows I may go back to UTA...... Not as a driver though!