Who am I really?

Right now I am sitting here in front of a massive book on the history of art. I know I am supposed to be writing an essay right now, and all I am doing is thinking about myself. Evaluating my life, my intentions, my existence... you know, all that deep shit. It just occurred to me that maybe I should write some of this down, you know so I don't forget it when these moments of brilliance hit me.

Sanity - the state of being sane; soundness of mind

I was just thinking about this word and what it means to me and what it means to the people around me. I know that I am what I am, but I also know that I become who I am around. I fear the loss of myself in this sea of self destruction around me. I care deeply for each person in my path.. but where does that put me when my path is crossed constantly by so much chaos that I can no longer see that path that I am on?
Where do I get my sanity from? I never thought to analyze these things... Do you know where yours comes from? There are so many things every single day that I could go crazy over.. my car broke again, zim has to go to the vet, dogs broke the TV, I have to write 2 essays, I got in a fight, I'm feeling lost... So what is that? Crazy 7 (essays count for 2 points) sane 0.... I mean C'mon, what in the hell is it that actually keeping me out of the looney bin? I don't know... I'm not there though.
I want to know how it is that other people keep their sanity. Obviously, how I keep my own sanity mystifies me. I have looked at someone and said "I don't know how they have not gone off the deep end." Do I know that? Who are you? Are you really ok? I don't think that people are as put together as we would like everyone else to think that we are. When I decided to go to school in January I met a couple people that had been in a very similar situation as me as far as employment is concerned. I wonder how they kept their sanity, I know that one of the girls even had kids.. How in the fuck do you deal with that shit?!?! I see things and I always have a mini panic for other people and I have to wonder how do they keep their sanity? I understand that people deal with things differently.. which brings me to my next point.

Addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I know your out there. Don't you love the anonymity of the internet. As I said in the beginning I am who I am, but you become who you are around. Don't get me wrong, I will never loose my sense of self and my identity. What I am saying is that You pick up the habits of the people you are with most. Ever notice how very hard it is to quit smoking when your partner still smokes? I live with an addict, therefore I am exhibiting behaviors of an addict. Why? I don't know, why is this person an addict? One day all these things happened, so many bad things that my heart actually broke in my very chest. I looked at this person and I was convinced and amazed that person was ready to hit the ground running. So person hit the ground running, and person did some pretty amazing things.. but person also has serious issues. I can't keep my sanity helping you drown your sorrows. Tell me out there, I only ask because I don't know.. how does this help your sanity? I am seeing person's breakdown happen and I don't want to be there for it... does that sound selfish? Yea? What do I do about that? You know, addiction runs rampant in my family, on both sides, my parents have brothers and sisters that have or had problems with addictions.. we have cousins, nieces and nephews.. and so on. I know that not all of them are/were looking for sanity at the bottom of a bottle of vodka, or wherever else. I'm sure that there are some though. Fact is that I avoid them.. like the plague actually. For a good reason... People of the internet, if you even knew what it is like to the subject of the Davis family rumor circle you would do your all to avoid it. On top of it all I know my mom would do an intervention and then it would just go from there.. there is no point in even trying to be an addict in my life. So again, why am I allowing an influence like this? Maybe I believe it is a hope that my participation and comradery will help person find sanity? Maybe persons insanity, which I can tell you has had a profound effect on me, has made me feel the need to search for my sanity with person.. I know that I still have it. I know that I haven't lost it, because when it just me I can feel it. I can relax and enjoy the calm of my home and the calm.. well, inside my head.
You know... this sanity stuff is much more serious than you could ever know. I have been crazy before. I actually lost my God Damn Mind... When you hit that point in your life, there is nothing that you can do but try and make sense of it all and hold on for your life.. Mike held on for my life when I lost my mind and I am so thankful that he did, because I almost didn't make it through.. My sanity now is more precious than the very air that I breathe I will not allow my path that I am walking to be swept away by the storms of self destruction and chaos. I will not be dragged down or stopped from moving on because it was not just myself that fought for my sanity, it was not just me. Do not BRING ME DOWN. Because he held on for my life too. Who is holding on for yours?