Who am I really?

Right now I am sitting here in front of a massive book on the history of art. I know I am supposed to be writing an essay right now, and all I am doing is thinking about myself. Evaluating my life, my intentions, my existence... you know, all that deep shit. It just occurred to me that maybe I should write some of this down, you know so I don't forget it when these moments of brilliance hit me.

Sanity - the state of being sane; soundness of mind

I was just thinking about this word and what it means to me and what it means to the people around me. I know that I am what I am, but I also know that I become who I am around. I fear the loss of myself in this sea of self destruction around me. I care deeply for each person in my path.. but where does that put me when my path is crossed constantly by so much chaos that I can no longer see that path that I am on?
Where do I get my sanity from? I never thought to analyze these things... Do you know where yours comes from? There are so many things every single day that I could go crazy over.. my car broke again, zim has to go to the vet, dogs broke the TV, I have to write 2 essays, I got in a fight, I'm feeling lost... So what is that? Crazy 7 (essays count for 2 points) sane 0.... I mean C'mon, what in the hell is it that actually keeping me out of the looney bin? I don't know... I'm not there though.
I want to know how it is that other people keep their sanity. Obviously, how I keep my own sanity mystifies me. I have looked at someone and said "I don't know how they have not gone off the deep end." Do I know that? Who are you? Are you really ok? I don't think that people are as put together as we would like everyone else to think that we are. When I decided to go to school in January I met a couple people that had been in a very similar situation as me as far as employment is concerned. I wonder how they kept their sanity, I know that one of the girls even had kids.. How in the fuck do you deal with that shit?!?! I see things and I always have a mini panic for other people and I have to wonder how do they keep their sanity? I understand that people deal with things differently.. which brings me to my next point.

Addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I know your out there. Don't you love the anonymity of the internet. As I said in the beginning I am who I am, but you become who you are around. Don't get me wrong, I will never loose my sense of self and my identity. What I am saying is that You pick up the habits of the people you are with most. Ever notice how very hard it is to quit smoking when your partner still smokes? I live with an addict, therefore I am exhibiting behaviors of an addict. Why? I don't know, why is this person an addict? One day all these things happened, so many bad things that my heart actually broke in my very chest. I looked at this person and I was convinced and amazed that person was ready to hit the ground running. So person hit the ground running, and person did some pretty amazing things.. but person also has serious issues. I can't keep my sanity helping you drown your sorrows. Tell me out there, I only ask because I don't know.. how does this help your sanity? I am seeing person's breakdown happen and I don't want to be there for it... does that sound selfish? Yea? What do I do about that? You know, addiction runs rampant in my family, on both sides, my parents have brothers and sisters that have or had problems with addictions.. we have cousins, nieces and nephews.. and so on. I know that not all of them are/were looking for sanity at the bottom of a bottle of vodka, or wherever else. I'm sure that there are some though. Fact is that I avoid them.. like the plague actually. For a good reason... People of the internet, if you even knew what it is like to the subject of the Davis family rumor circle you would do your all to avoid it. On top of it all I know my mom would do an intervention and then it would just go from there.. there is no point in even trying to be an addict in my life. So again, why am I allowing an influence like this? Maybe I believe it is a hope that my participation and comradery will help person find sanity? Maybe persons insanity, which I can tell you has had a profound effect on me, has made me feel the need to search for my sanity with person.. I know that I still have it. I know that I haven't lost it, because when it just me I can feel it. I can relax and enjoy the calm of my home and the calm.. well, inside my head.
You know... this sanity stuff is much more serious than you could ever know. I have been crazy before. I actually lost my God Damn Mind... When you hit that point in your life, there is nothing that you can do but try and make sense of it all and hold on for your life.. Mike held on for my life when I lost my mind and I am so thankful that he did, because I almost didn't make it through.. My sanity now is more precious than the very air that I breathe I will not allow my path that I am walking to be swept away by the storms of self destruction and chaos. I will not be dragged down or stopped from moving on because it was not just myself that fought for my sanity, it was not just me. Do not BRING ME DOWN. Because he held on for my life too. Who is holding on for yours?

Oh the things you will see.

I have been doing some serious surfing on the web for the last couple days via Stumble... and I am shocked at how much stupid shit is out there!
I just wasted 20 minutes of my life reading some random blog... Turns out the whole thing was about her boyfriend from when she was 12 and how they used to write notes back and forth and one day they like totally made out. When I finished reading it I was like what in the hell did I just read? I'm sure that I'm not the most interesting person... but c'mon! That's not all.. I have come across the crap of crap.. the funny/sad thing is I usually take the time to read it all. Sometimes they will turn out to be funny or very interesting.. Sometimes it is really obvious that whoever wrote the blog is tremendously smarter than me and I just have to move on.
When I think about blogs I associate it with current events or at least events that happened pretty recently. I suppose I could bring myself to reminisce and what not and so on. I did have a good childhood and I am nearly 26 now. Hmmm... what to write about though? That is always the question? Maybe next week I will write about my boyfriend from when I was 12? OH HAHHH I almost had ya! No, I think that maybe I will try to find something that has more substance than "we like totally made out".
So that is what is on my mind right now. Just thought you should know.

I would Like to request a parade of elephants

As all of you know the death of Michael Jackson has effected the world in a way that none of us could have predicted. Who could have known that so many people who call him a pedophile freak one day and the next be professing their undying love for the "King of Pop".

I can't say that I am really bothered at all. Sure, who doesn't enjoy some of his greatest hits? But really? I don't really care.

What I do care about is that just hours before his memorial service there was a parade of elephants. C'MON people a PARADE OF FREAKIN ELEPHANTS! Now, I know that the elephants were actually part of a long held tradition by the Ringling Bros... but don't you think that it is a bit peculiar that it so happened to fall on the same day as his memorial? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!

So now I have come to the conclusion that if Michael can have it I think that it is only fair that I can as well.


While we are on the subject of my memorial service I would also like to request a couple other things along with my elephants. I would like some lambs, but they need be all washed and so they are all white and clean and they need to have big bows around their necks. Also I would like Cirque du Soleil to HAPPEN to have a parade that HAPPENS to follow my casket and it HAPPENS to end at my grave site. That would be freakin AWESOME!

I would, however, like to request that no one wear white gloves to my funeral.

Thank you, that is all.

Yesterday I saw the weirdest thing.

Everyday I walk to Wholefoods for lunch, and sometimes I will stay there and eat, but most of the time I will walk back to the office and eat there. Well I am walking back and I cut across this small patch of grass and this fat mouse goes running right across my path. So now I'm all concerned because I am right next to a road and I know that no one will brake for a mouse!! Now if you had seen me at this point you would have thought that I was straight up off my rocker. Here I am attempting to steer this mouse towards the field on the other side of Bed Bath and Beyond and away from the road.. of course.. no one could see the mouse.

I'm Sure that you can imagine my dismay and panic.. when the first thing the mouse does (rather than run to the field) is run into the street. Yes I know.. laugh now get it over with.. I will step into traffic to keep a mouse from getting smooshed. Ok so that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean I did follow it into the street to make sure that it didn't get hit by a car, but it wasn't a really busy road. So it makes it safely to the other side but it is still running like a maniac and I can't figure out why because I wasn't anywhere near it anymore. And then I see why.. The mouse is being chased by a bird. OOOOO scaaarry!! No it's being chased by a sparrow, the nuts thing about this is that this bird is the same, if not smaller, size as the mouse!! What in the hell is this bird going to do with the mouse if he "catches" it?? Eat it? Feed it to his young?? I shit you not I watched this sparrow dive bomb and attempt to pick up the mouse all the way down the sidewalk. I am still amazed!!

It's funny that while I am writing this it has me thinking about things in my own life. How many times have I let things that are smaller or less than me, things that I know that I can easily overcome, send me running into traffic? Sometimes I feel like there are things in my life that are coming to feed me to their young and rather than letting people guide me to a field I just panic and get stuck between a brick wall and a very angry sparrow!!

I really am that funny.

I'll tell you something right now, and I know that there may be some people out there that may not want to hear this... But I am..

The funniest person I have ever known and possibly will ever know.

I have been known to make anyone from George Clooney to Jebus Christ himself crack up.

I know that it may be discouraging to all of you funny makers out there, but sometimes you just have to know when you've been out funnied. Granted, I am not funny all of the time. But 99.9% of the time, yes I really am that funny.


I just thought this was something that the public needed to know.


Thank you, that is all.

Ode to the Pork Plague

Due to the fact that Andrew gets sick on a regular basis I like to tease him saying that he has the swine flu. One day when he was out sick AGAIN I decided that I would write him a poem. So here you are.

Ode to the Pork Plague.

Oh how he got it, we never knew.

We thought it may be just the flu.

Till the day a curly tail he grew.

My brother got the Pork Plague.

He hacked, he coughed, he nearly died.

We begged, we prayed, we wept, we cried.

When people asked why we simply replied

My brother got the Pork Plague.

Even though he got better he was never the same.

Having hooves and snout nearly drove him insane.

Loving him was easy.. seeing him as breakfast, was hard to refrain..

BECAUSE MY BROTHER GOT THE PORK PLAGUE!

You have got to be kidding me!?

WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS IT STILL SNOWING?!?!?!?!?!
I am so sick of this stupid state and its weather...