I would Like to request a parade of elephants

As all of you know the death of Michael Jackson has effected the world in a way that none of us could have predicted. Who could have known that so many people who call him a pedophile freak one day and the next be professing their undying love for the "King of Pop".

I can't say that I am really bothered at all. Sure, who doesn't enjoy some of his greatest hits? But really? I don't really care.

What I do care about is that just hours before his memorial service there was a parade of elephants. C'MON people a PARADE OF FREAKIN ELEPHANTS! Now, I know that the elephants were actually part of a long held tradition by the Ringling Bros... but don't you think that it is a bit peculiar that it so happened to fall on the same day as his memorial? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!

So now I have come to the conclusion that if Michael can have it I think that it is only fair that I can as well.


While we are on the subject of my memorial service I would also like to request a couple other things along with my elephants. I would like some lambs, but they need be all washed and so they are all white and clean and they need to have big bows around their necks. Also I would like Cirque du Soleil to HAPPEN to have a parade that HAPPENS to follow my casket and it HAPPENS to end at my grave site. That would be freakin AWESOME!

I would, however, like to request that no one wear white gloves to my funeral.

Thank you, that is all.

Yesterday I saw the weirdest thing.

Everyday I walk to Wholefoods for lunch, and sometimes I will stay there and eat, but most of the time I will walk back to the office and eat there. Well I am walking back and I cut across this small patch of grass and this fat mouse goes running right across my path. So now I'm all concerned because I am right next to a road and I know that no one will brake for a mouse!! Now if you had seen me at this point you would have thought that I was straight up off my rocker. Here I am attempting to steer this mouse towards the field on the other side of Bed Bath and Beyond and away from the road.. of course.. no one could see the mouse.

I'm Sure that you can imagine my dismay and panic.. when the first thing the mouse does (rather than run to the field) is run into the street. Yes I know.. laugh now get it over with.. I will step into traffic to keep a mouse from getting smooshed. Ok so that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean I did follow it into the street to make sure that it didn't get hit by a car, but it wasn't a really busy road. So it makes it safely to the other side but it is still running like a maniac and I can't figure out why because I wasn't anywhere near it anymore. And then I see why.. The mouse is being chased by a bird. OOOOO scaaarry!! No it's being chased by a sparrow, the nuts thing about this is that this bird is the same, if not smaller, size as the mouse!! What in the hell is this bird going to do with the mouse if he "catches" it?? Eat it? Feed it to his young?? I shit you not I watched this sparrow dive bomb and attempt to pick up the mouse all the way down the sidewalk. I am still amazed!!

It's funny that while I am writing this it has me thinking about things in my own life. How many times have I let things that are smaller or less than me, things that I know that I can easily overcome, send me running into traffic? Sometimes I feel like there are things in my life that are coming to feed me to their young and rather than letting people guide me to a field I just panic and get stuck between a brick wall and a very angry sparrow!!

I really am that funny.

I'll tell you something right now, and I know that there may be some people out there that may not want to hear this... But I am..

The funniest person I have ever known and possibly will ever know.

I have been known to make anyone from George Clooney to Jebus Christ himself crack up.

I know that it may be discouraging to all of you funny makers out there, but sometimes you just have to know when you've been out funnied. Granted, I am not funny all of the time. But 99.9% of the time, yes I really am that funny.


I just thought this was something that the public needed to know.


Thank you, that is all.

Ode to the Pork Plague

Due to the fact that Andrew gets sick on a regular basis I like to tease him saying that he has the swine flu. One day when he was out sick AGAIN I decided that I would write him a poem. So here you are.

Ode to the Pork Plague.

Oh how he got it, we never knew.

We thought it may be just the flu.

Till the day a curly tail he grew.

My brother got the Pork Plague.

He hacked, he coughed, he nearly died.

We begged, we prayed, we wept, we cried.

When people asked why we simply replied

My brother got the Pork Plague.

Even though he got better he was never the same.

Having hooves and snout nearly drove him insane.

Loving him was easy.. seeing him as breakfast, was hard to refrain..

BECAUSE MY BROTHER GOT THE PORK PLAGUE!